What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 30.06.2025 00:08
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
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But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
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You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I was very sick at this time too.
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I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He knew the spot.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I waited trembling.
I write beautiful poetry .
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BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
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But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I was seconnd youngest,
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
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Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Im still living with it.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She loved him until the end.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
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She married twice! .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Im dying but, im not bitter.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I was scared of men, in general
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
She wouldn,t have been !
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I will be 64.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
We were not on the streets..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Was to survive, this bastard.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Comes on , in middle age.
We all went to grammer schools
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I don,t even have a pension.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
This is soul school!.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I said to her
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
One cannot live in the past .
Ive learnt so much.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I never cut or harmed myself..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
It was going to be , some day.
Who then, do I blame.?
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
What did i know ?
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
But ive been too sick for many years..
But it wasn’t much.
All the time i was locked up.
And i lived it daily.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
My life is so biszare .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
She found it foreign!.
So whats the point in blame.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
When she asked me how she looked .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She was in good health!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Put me off passion for life!!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
So, i spoilt her more .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I couldn’t, believe it.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He resisted the act ,that day.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I was 9 years of age.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
My family never makes their pension either.
But, we were locked up after school.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
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Would this be the day?
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
(And it was in our own minds.)
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I have no regrets .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I think the readers, may guess!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!